Suzanne and I married young.  She was 19 and I was 21.  We started out with hardly anything. I was self-employed at the time, and she started working part time at a dentist office close by our little apartment.  It wasn’t long after we had been in the apartment for a while, that we heard that 2 of Suzanne’s great-aunts needed help in the old family house.  This was the house that Suzanne’s great-grandparents had bought in 1917.  I’m still not sure why we did it, but we decided to move into the old house, down the road from where she grew up, to take care of her 2 great-aunts.  The house was in pretty bad shape when we moved in.  It’s hard to even describe the conditions of the house, but it was really rough.  We did a lot of clean up and started out with fixing one bedroom upstairs that we could stay in.  Looking back, I wouldn’t recommend a recently married couple being in-home care providers like that.  It created a lot of stress dealing with dementia and all the day-to-day drama that we had to go through. 

Sometime after moving into the old farm house, I ended up getting a full-time job, since the work I had been doing was more seasonal.  About 6 months after that, I was offered a job at the remodeling company, and little did I know that I would be doing that for the next 25 years and counting.  The oldest great-aunt, who owned the old house, passed away in her late nineties before our oldest son was born.  Suzanne continued to take care of the one great-aunt until it became too much for her with the aunt’s dementia and taking care of our first little one. 

Suzanne’s mom had inherited the old farm house we were staying in, and offered it to us for a drastically reduced amount compared to what it could have been sold for.  We were so young and had nothing to our name, so that if that hadn’t happened, it would have been a long time before we could have even bought a house.  So, we were thankful to be living in the country and have a place, even if it was so run down.  It really was a good place to raise young kids.  That’s one thing about kids, they don’t seem to mind where they grow up, even if it was pretty rough.  Over the years we worked on the house, and slowly fixed it up. 

The first 3 kids were each born about 2 years apart.  We were thankful that Suzanne could stay home with the kids and be there even if it did seem like we were just scraping by financially.  We slowly changed the yard to have fruit trees, green house, garden beds, sheds and pens for ducks, chickens, turkeys, and we always had at least one dog.

Suzanne’s grandparents lived across the field from us when we first lived in the old farm house.  It was so nice to live next to her grandparents who were in their 90’s at that point.  They were so much fun to be around and it was nice to be there if they needed help.  Suzanne’s grandma passed first, and later her grandpa started getting sick.  I will never forget the day Suzanne called me at work.  She told me that grandpa was probably going to be passing soon, and wondering if I could come home.  I checked with my employer, and was able to come home from work.  At that time, we just had the 2 kids.  They would have been around 2 ½ years and 9 months old approximately.  I came home and helped get them ready to drive over to see grandpa for probably the last time.  I don’t remember as much about seeing grandpa, because when we were there Suzanne started not feeling well.  She went into a back room to lay down which is very unusual for her.  When I went to check on her, she wasn’t doing very good.  Even though it wasn’t that warm, she wanted me to open the window to cool off.  I felt her forehead, and she felt clammy and cool.  I started to get concerned, so I went to call the advice nurse with the health insurance we had.  When the advice nurse started asking questions, she asked if it was possible that Suzanne could be pregnant.  I said yes, it could be possible.  The advice nurse told me to take her to the emergency room right away.  I went to get Suzanne and take her, and she couldn’t even get out of bed.  Her brother and I had to carry her out to the car.  We started driving away, and I realized I had forgot my wallet with the health cards.  I drove back to get my wallet, and then rushed for the hospital.  At the hospital I pulled up to the entrance, grabbed a wheelchair, and had to lift Suzanne into the wheelchair.  I wheeled her into the desk area.  The nurse started to take her blood pressure, and then immediately called for help.  I don’t remember what she called, but all of a sudden there was a whole lot of people around Suzanne, and they were whisking her away.  I don’t even remember parking the car or much else at that point.  I remember they were prepping her for surgery, and I got to see her while they were getting her ready.  I had to help her sign papers, and they were already getting ready for blood transfusions for her.  It turned out that the pregnancy had become an ectopic pregnancy, and it had finally burst inside of her.  She was bleeding internally, and we didn’t even know it.  I can’t forget that brief time before surgery and not knowing if I would ever see her again.  Thankfully the surgery was successful, and I did get to see her after that.  I was told later, that another 5 minutes, and she wouldn’t be with us anymore.  That really shook me up.  There was quite a lengthy recovery in the hospital since it had been such a major surgery.  I remember that we couldn’t even go to her grandpa’s funeral because she was in the hospital recovering.  Later I realized that God had a hand in that whole situation.  If it hadn’t been for her grandpa dying, Suzanne might have laid down on the couch at home, and with the kids so young, nobody might have known until I got home from work.  I will be forever thankful for those extra years she was with us.  Suzanne was told that she shouldn’t have any more kids, but I am so thankful that we were able to have 2 more after that.

When our oldest got to kindergarten age, we decided to homeschool.  There was a big influence in the church group with a lot of families who were homeschooling.  We decided to use the Abeka program, because it wouldn’t take so much work for us as parents.  The kids could follow the structure that was already in place, and we would just have to oversee and make sure they were doing the homework and tests.  It must have gone fairly well, in spite of us feeling like we were not overseeing as much as we should have.  When they eventually got into private school, they scored well for their grades they went into.

There was a pretty big change in our church lives around 2003.  We had gone to the Gresham church our whole lives.  Our families went there, and even though there was a group that started up in Vancouver in the early 90’s, the agreement had been that everyone who wanted to continue going to Gresham could go.  That all sounded good in theory, but what actually happened was quite different.  Those of us who continued going to Gresham were under a not-so-subtle relentless pressure to switch to the Vancouver church group.  For some reason it all came to a head around 2003.  The pressure had gotten so intense, that I will never forget the tipping point for us.  My Uncle said to me when I walked into Gresham one evening, “Did you cross over the Jordan again tonight?”.  (For those of you who don’t know what that means, it is a reference to the Old Testament with the tribes that didn’t cross into the land.  Using references to Old Testament illustrations seems to be a favorite recourse for some if they want to indirectly tell you what they want you to do, or to make a point.)  That was too much for us.  Suzanne and I knew we were not welcome in Gresham anymore, but we really weren’t interested in going to Vancouver with all the drama that had happened when the Vancouver group started up.  That was one of the first times when we actually seriously considered leaving that church group.  One of the main factors for not leaving the church group at that time, was that all of our families were in the group.  We knew from history that when someone leaves the group, they are generally shunned from the group.  Even family can feel left out of their own family get-togethers if they are not part of that church group anymore.  There have been many families who have left over the years, and they pretty much have to start off on their own in making new relationships after that.  In the end, we decided to go ahead and switch over to the Vancouver church group and try to get involved in that group, even though most of our friends and family remained in the Gresham church group.  There will be more to this story on how it plays out later on.

In 2004, about 9 years after starting with the remodeling company, it got to a point that we needed to make a change with the work environment.  After looking at some options, Suzanne and I decided to start up our own remodeling company.  The dynamics do change from being an employee to being self-employed.  An interesting thing happened at the start, that wouldn’t make sense till later, was in how we structured the company.  When we were working with a CPA and Attorney starting up the company, we were told that I needed to be the owner, and Suzanne should be the employee.  I wanted both of us to be owners, but we went with how we were told to do it.  It wasn’t until much later, that I realized what a blessing in disguise that was. For Suzanne’s part, she was so good at organizing and she had a way with bringing all the loose ends together.  She really seemed to enjoy the part she had in the company with doing bookkeeping and keeping the company organized.  Pretty early on we had to hire a younger friend from church to help in the house, so Suzanne could work part time in the business.  That gal worked for us several days a week for quite a few years, so Suzanne could work part-time in the business.  She was a really good fit for our family during those years she worked for us.

Our 4th child was born in 2006, about 6 years after our third.  Our lives were even busier at that point, but they were happy times.  It was so much fun having a baby in the house again.  The older kids were old enough to enjoy having a baby, and helping out with him.  There were many happy times of going camping, taking trips, and enjoying many get-togethers with family and church family.  It seemed like a whirlwind of busyness, but I think a lot of that is just the stage of life we were in.  Young kids, lots of animals and outside chores, plus a busy business, it seemed like the time just flew by.

Sometime in later 2007 was when Suzanne first started noticing a change in one of her breasts.  I remember the first doctor where we went to get it checked out.  The doctor was totally not concerned about it.  Without even hardly an exam, she said it was just a blocked milk duct, and that “so many moms get them”.  So, for quite a while Suzanne was looking into things that would help with that.  I remember her talking with her friends and family about it and looking into options that might help.  It never seemed to go away.  If I remember right, she went to about 4 doctors in the beginning to ask about it.  It seemed like each one said the same thing and just weren’t worried about it.  So, with our busy and full lives, we just didn’t take it as seriously as we should have.  We should have demanded that they take tests or something more instead of brushing it off as if it happens all the time.

Toward the end of 2008, the economy really started to slow down.  I sold the travel trailer we had and really started to look for ways to save money.  Sometime in there I heard from a former employee of the company I used to work at, that the owner was retiring and shutting down the business.  Because I had worked there for so long, and had known so many of the clients over the years, I asked my former employer if he wanted to sell the business.  It ended up that I purchased the name, phone number, and website from him and was able to roll it under the current business structure that we had started about 4 years earlier.  I feel that even though the economy continued to get worse for some time, it was really a blessing to have the longevity of that business name that had been around for so many years and had such a longtime clientele.

Another interesting thing that was going on during this time, was since we had moved over to the Vancouver church group, most of the families around us were still going to the Gresham church group.  So, we went to church on different week nights.  Vancouver was Wednesday evenings, and Gresham was Tuesday and Friday evenings.  Something happened during that time that was a real eye opener for me.  I think you will understand why I mention it later in this story along with other examples.  (The background for this particular story:  Our third child has had asthma since he was about 2 years old, when he inhaled a piece of popcorn staying at a relative’s house, while Suzanne and I were on a rare date.  He developed pneumonia, and it was pretty scary seeing him that sick when he was so little.  After that he struggled with getting asthma whenever he had a cold or was exercising too hard.  He had an inhaler that we would bring along that would help him to breathe easier.)  Back to the story.  One Wednesday evening we were at Bible study, when he started struggling with his asthma.  It turns out that we had left his inhaler at home, so I decided to run him home to get his medicine.  I don’t believe that it was coincidence that night that we had to go home to get his inhaler.  When we pulled into our driveway, we found Suzanne’s brother in our yard with his son and their female dog.  Suzanne’s brother must have decided to have his dog bred with our dog, without asking us, while we were gone to Bible study.  They were standing there in our front yard while our male dog was on top of their female dog.  They had to come to our property, open the gate to the enclosed yard, and come into our yard to get their dog bred with ours.  Again, I tell this story, because it is relevant in the big picture.  There will be more examples of this type of character trait later, but it is ironic that Suzanne’s brother had a very big part later on, in trying to destroy my reputation, all behind my back.

To be continued….

I have spent a lot of time thinking about how to give a good overview of my history, Suzanne’s history, and the explanation of the culture that we grew up in. The culture that I will be describing, will be referred to as The Exclusive Brethren. We would say we were going to “Meeting”, when we were talking about it amongst ourselves. Within the group, we were always instructed that we didn’t have a church name. Growing up, whenever someone would ask me what church I went to, it was generally an awkward answer. Quite often it was a response that “we don’t have a name”. There seemed to be a point of pride in the group, that we were “Non-Denominational”. Unfortunately, as I would later come to realize, that through the actions and beliefs of the group, we were more “Denominational” than a lot of the churches we were trying to not be like.

I can say “we” as I talk about history, because I was born and raised in the church group. My dad’s family had been a part of the church group, as his parents had become a part of it at some point. My mom was introduced to the group when she met my dad, and they married after she came into the group. Suzanne’s family came into the church group when she was very little. It was also all she knew her whole life.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the culture of The Exclusive Brethren, I will give a brief overview from my viewpoint, having lived in it for the first 42 years of my life. If you were to research the name, it can be very confusing. There are many groups that have come from the Brethren, and there has been many divisions over the last couple hundred years. There are specific names associated with each of the divisions, but I won’t go that far into the background of which division for this description. Another thing I will try to do, is use the terms that are used in the group, with another commonly known term to help explain.

What an individual church group commonly looks like is this. There could be an average group of between 60-80 people that meet in a location. Some groups have more, and some have less. It will normally be a plain building that maybe has a Bible verse or two on the front but normally does not have a church name. If you were to walk in, everyone would be sitting in more of a circle, and you would notice that all of the women wear some type of head covering. There is not a pastor, but the men are expected to take part in the teaching and praying. No musical instruments would be used, and everyone would be singing out of the same hymn book. The only Bible version that is recognized in the group is The King James Version. Every Sunday there is a main service after the Sunday School service, which is the Communion, or also called “The Breaking of Bread”. If you were to walk in as a visitor, you might be met with an awkward greeting, and an explanation of how you would not be allowed to take part in the Communion. And if you are a woman, there is a good chance you will be handed a head covering to wear during the service, whether you are a member or not.

Growing up, there were steps that you would have to take to become part of the group. The Gospel would be preached every Sunday night, but it was very rare to have any outside visitors there. We were very aware of our sins from a young age, and our need of a Savior. Many of us would come to faith in Jesus Christ at a young age. The next stage after coming to faith in Jesus Christ, would be to have a public baptism. They would have a public baptism occasionally, and it would be a large get-together. After being baptized, the next step would be to “ask for our place at the Lord’s table”. (Or ask to take part in Communion). This was the process of where we would tell one of the Brothers, that we want to remember the Lord in his death. This would start a very lengthy public process. There would usually be a public announcement that someone had asked for their place at the Lord’s table. Then there would be a meeting scheduled for 2 or 3 brothers to meet with that individual. This could take weeks or months before that meeting would actually happen. The 2 or 3 Brothers would normally meet in the individual’s home, and then there would be the questions. Depending on how young a person is, the questions could be fairly easy, or they could be more intense. Looking back, I realize it is really just an initiation process. In order to take part in Communion, you had to jump through the hoops. I started to wonder as I got older about the whole process. If someone had to answer everything right and not be living in sin to be at the Lord’s table, then why shouldn’t those questions be asked of everyone, every Sunday? The Lord’s table became a membership status in the group, even though it was said that there was no memberships in the group. What I didn’t realize back then, was that in order to be a member, you have to pass the inspection of those in charge in the group. That membership could also be taken away depending on if someone confessed a sin, or if some of the group’s leaders had a vendetta against someone in the group. There were varying levels of discipline in the Meeting. For a man, the first level might just be silencing. (Since only the men can speak or pray.) That man who was silenced would not be able to take a public part in the meetings, but may generally have freedom to socialize in the group. The second level of discipline would be taking away the Communion or Breaking of Bread, from that individual. This level would typically involve a level of shunning. That person who was “disciplined and removed from the Lord’s table” would probably be asked to come into each Meeting 5 minutes late, and leave 5 minutes early. This person would probably not be allowed to socialize with anyone in the group anymore, unless it was for “purposes of restoration”. The third level of discipline, would be the ex-communication. This is where the person would be told to leave the group and never come back. Then there would be a concerted effort to tell anyone and everyone that so-and-so was ex-communicated and not to have any contact with that individual. All through the years, I would hear of silencings, disciplines, and ex-communications of individuals. There would seem to always be a story that would not go into much detail, but generally paint a bad picture of the individual who was disciplined. Another thing that was very common with a lot of the disciplines, when the discipline happened as a result of a vendetta, that person who was disciplined was rarely restored back into the group. A lot of times, the general population would not get to hear the other side of the story, as everyone was expected to “submit” or “bow” to the discipline of the Meeting where it happened.

Each church location, or Meeting, is part of a larger informal “Denomination”. Each group operates autonomously, but all are connected together. There are small Meetings all over the place, and they will get together for a big Bible conference several times a year, typically over a long weekend. This is how so many smaller groups can know such a larger group of people. I used to say growing up, that “if I traveled across the United States, I would always have a place I could stay”. This was more or less because of knowing so many people through all the small groups. There also tends to be a lot of family history and connections in the group. The more a family stays in the group and marries into the group, the larger that family becomes. It is not very often that a family or individual will come into the Meeting from the outside. It is very difficult for most people to walk the walk, and talk the talk, of the group without growing up in it.

Suzanne and I both grew up in the same Meeting. Even though we lived at opposite ends of the county, both of our families would travel the long distance to the only Meeting around during our growing up years. We would travel over a half hour each way, all those times each week. Because so much of our time was spent at Meeting, and socializing with the Meeting group, we started getting interested in each other fairly young. Around the time we were graduating from High School, there was a movement to start a local Meeting in the Vancouver area. This caused quite a bit of trouble in the group back then. There were those who were pushing for a new Meeting in Vancouver, and those who were wanting to keep going to Gresham where all our friends and relatives were. I remember my dad made the decision to continue going to Gresham, and that is where our family went for the next 10 years or so, even though the Vancouver Meeting was started in the early 90’s. I remember Suzanne’s father decided to continue going to Gresham early on in the process also. This made my decision to go to Gresham much easier, as Suzanne was going there.

My dad passed away from cancer in February of 1992. I remember when he had what the doctor’s thought was pneumonia, the winter after I graduated from High School. It was not much later, that he was diagnosed with lung cancer. We know he had been working with Asbestos at the paper mill, which may have contributed to his cancer, as he had never smoked. Watching what he went through with the chemo and radiation treatments, did have an affect on me. I told myself that I would never put myself through what pain and suffering he endured going through those treatments. One of the things that really stood out at that time, was that being a part of such a tight church group, my mom and younger sisters were really taken care of by the group, both financially and with many other practical blessings.

Suzanne and I were married in 1994. We had spent some time apart previously, and that was good for me to know for certain that I wanted to share my life with her.

The simple believes everything, but the prudent gives thought to his steps. Proverbs 14:15

Thanks for joining me!

It has been over seven years now since the story ended on my other blog, prayingforsuzanne.com. While that story ended, life kept on going for those of us left behind. As I have been largely silent for some years now, I have been recently encouraged by those close to me, to tell the story as it has unfolded. I feel the time has come now to tell that story here.

The story will be told with several purposes in mind.

– The first is to tell my side of the story, as there have been many things said about me behind my back.

– The second is to share the story with the hope that it will encourage someone else finding themselves in a similar path.

The story will be divided into several different parts. There are many stories within the story, but they all intertwine, and contribute to the whole story. Who I have become today is a product of those many stories. This story will make more sense to those who are Christians, but I hope it is a story that can be of interest and help to everyone.

• I will be writing about my history and Suzanne’s history. I will have to give a background so the story can be better understood.

• I will be writing about Suzanne’s sickness, and giving more details about things that were going on behind the scenes, including incredible family turmoil within her family.

• I will be writing about the time period when I was a widower raising my four kids. I will go into the incredible inner struggle of what it was like to be in that place.

• I will be writing about how I came to meet my second wife. I will address the mistakes I made, and I will be telling about what it was like to be married to someone who I initially trusted and believed all her stories. As our marriage progressed, I started to wonder about all the stories I had been told, and started to question things. This will be a painful look at a very hard two years of my life. I will be describing what it took afterwards, and the costs involved, to find out the truth about her and her family.

• I will be writing about how the church group that I spent my whole life in, came together and rallied around Suzanne and our family during and after her sickness. I will be writing about how through the terrible trial of my second marriage, a few individuals could then turn the whole group against me. I will spend some time going through some history with these individuals, and how it all plays out in the big picture.

• I will be writing about walking away from the church group that I spent my whole life in, and sharing what the ups and downs of that journey has been like.

• At the end of this story, I will share what the last chapter of this life has been like. Many have heard through the grape-vine about me, but I will get to give you a front row seat into what this chapter is all about.

So, buckle up and hang on! Over the next few months to years, or longer, I will be sharing this story chapter by chapter. As I have grown and changed through these last few years, my ultimate purpose is to be of help and encouragement to those going through a similar trial or trials, and show that there is hope in the journey!

I hope the story of Where The Path Leads Me, is an encouragement to you!